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BarbEricScotaku

I'm Eating Healthy, So Why Do I Feel So Miserable?

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I'm eating healthy, so why do I feel so miserable?

This is everything I've eaten over the past month. Well, aside from a handful of unlisted cheat meals, and yesterday eating one deep fried jumbo coconut shrimp because it was offered and for once I was too weak to resist -- and felt a huge bubbling of desire in my guts reminding me that yes, I have a junk food addiction and I need to remember that moderation is not an option just like one beer for an alcoholic is too much.

Had a rocky start of not counting calories like I did from early 2012 to middle 2013 where I lost 180 lbs but stopped after plateauing at around 240 lbs (been between 260 to 290 ever since by not calorie-counting) but after calculating my TDEE like everyone always says to do and trying to eat about 500 kcal below that like everyone says to do... (Went from 279 to 268, but pre-Thanksgiving I was as low as 264.)

The previous month I was depressed from hurting my back lifting weights so I, well, ate mostly what you see here, but also ate at cheap chinese buffets probably twice weekly and every night I had probably 3000-5000 calories of walmart ice cream. I felt so much better.

But after eating clean and healthy and natural and unprocessed like everyone says to do, I've felt progressively worse. Had problems early on from dizziness and lightheadedness and near-fainting spells but I just upped the calories and felt better, but for the past week I haven't been able to sleep more than 5 hours a night. For an entire week. I'm so tired it hurts. But I can't stay asleep for the life of me. I've tried not using electronics for an hour before bed, I've tried aromatherapy, I've tried meditation, I've tried not thinking of things that piss me off, I've even tried 100mg melatonin one night and that just made me feel worse, and none of it helps at all.

Since I'm recovering from injury I've only lifted light for most of this month (only just got my bench back above 100), but I've stopped entirely the middle of last week because I've been in too much mental and emotional pain from simple & stupid lack of sleep, from last Monday night sleeping 6 hours, Tuesday 5, Wed and Thu no more than 1-2 hours, then another 4-5 the next few nights. I'm constantly tired, I'm constantly on edg.,My therapist has a depression rating, where 1 is "Bobby made fun of my hair this morning, boo-hoo" and 10 being "in immediate danger of killing himself and/or others", mine right now is an 8 and rising, again all from lack of sleep, and I'm pretty sure it's my diet. What else could it be? Well, other than stress and worry from lack of money and pretty sure I'll never be fit and strong and aesthetic because of all the stretch marks and loose skin and blotchy complexion and terrified that if I don't eat clean and healthy I'll fall right back into my old >400 lbs hikikomori NEET ubernerd ways ways like I was not even last month after doing so well off and on this entire year of starting and stopping the weightlifting due to mounting stress and hurting myself. Lifting had been the first time in my life I had a passion for something that wasn't childish and solitary like video games, and now I can't even get to the one thing that kept me going because of this lack of sleep.

I'm not an attention whore.

I'm not a drama queen.

I'm not a troll.

I'm not baiting.

I'm not joking.

I feel so absolutely crappy that I just want to die to end the pain. But I'm so scared that if I follow the nagging voice inside that says all I need to do is indulge in my junk food addiction, my soda-n-fastfood-o-holism, that it will all be better, that if I fall off the horse for the severalth time for the past three years, that I'll end up weighing as much as a horse that I was for almost 20 years. But I'm also scared that if I don't do something immediately, that if I spend another week or even another 2-3 days like this that I'll stop being able to resist my impulses and take a knife to my own throat.

Re-iterating: I've lost MULTIPLE DECADES to morbid obesity and being a socially dysfunctional shut-in whose one and only friend is a glowing rectangle, and everyone says to be "gradual" in your changes. Well I've beengradual, for the past three years I've been goddamned gradual, how many MORE years must I lose to morbid obesity so I can for once in my life stop feeling so ugly and worthless?

I'm doing everything everyone says to do, following the /fit/ sticky and bodybuilding.com's stickies and taking bits from the paleo diet and what Scooby Werkstatt and Jim Wendler and Elliot Hulse and Dani Shugart and Maria Kang and sites like this all have to say about eating clean and healthy, so what is missing? What am I doing wrong? I'm using a multivitamin and fish oil and vitamin d and etc. etc. supplements, I'm eating tons of vegetables on top of tons of meat, I'm trying to restrict carbs and dial in my macronutrient ratios like everyone says you should do if you're trying to lose weight without losing too much muscle mass like I was stupidly doing for the first year and a half of crash dieting with zero exercise when I should have known better.

What is it? What's missing? What am I doing wrong? Someone please help me end my misery, I'm begging you.

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I think you should see a doctor.

If you're genuinely feeling unwell I wouldn't rely on any kind of forum for an answer.

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MathiahM   

I'm with LSG, maybe a sleep doctor could help?

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idle   

I third the recommendations from Simon and Mathiah -- maybe visit a GP to get a referral to see an endocrinologist.

 

Also, based on your posts in your log and elsewhere, I think you're over thinking this stuff to the point of stressing about it.  Read Simon's log for simpler methods for losing weight.  He's been very successful, and his methods are not extreme in any sense of the word.

 

Don't think, just keep it simple and work hard.  Try to have fewer cheats so that you break the cravings.  Don't admit that you're a junk food addict, because then you find ways to justify eating it.  Trust me, I'm struggling with the same.  If you can't lift, find some other way to move your body.  And if you hurt yourself lifting, please post some form vids as soon as you're able to get back at it, or find a coach for a few sessions.  Form is paramount to keeping yourself healthy and getting stronger.

 

You can do this.

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Also quick question, what number are you working from for your TDEE?

Are those days in the mid to upper 3,000's slip ups or off days?

TDEE numbers are ball park figures, often they dont take bodyfat percentage into account or training intensity.

For example many calculators will have that section for how many training days per week. But here's the thing, I could put down 5 training days which would calculate a higher TDEE, but what the calculator doesnt know is that all 5 of my days consists of 2 sets of curls and 1 set of tricep kickbacks with a tin of beans...

If you still have a high bf percentage and not training much due to injury then you may have to experiment a bit more with your numbers. It's not always as simple as just subtracting 500 cals like everyone says.

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Just going by the last couple paragraphs, I'm going to recommend cutting yourself some slack.  You still need to do what's right, but brow-beating yourself because you messed up isn't the answer.

 

It could be that your uneasy feeling is psychological.  I'm by no means a shrink, but just my reading of what mind battles you are having leaves me with the impression you feel more secure with the old habits that made you morbidly obese.

 

Let's state some serious facts here (from your profile):

  • you are 6'5"
  • you are only 286 lbs
  • you're frame can carry that no problem
  • fat loss is not linear
  • sometimes you stay at the same weight for a while but continue to lose inches

If your doctor has a chart that says that's morbidly obese only because of height and weight (BMI) then toss that sucker out.  Lifting weights is going to have you getting stronger as you lean out, and when the dust settles you'll still be over the BMI charts.

 

You have the stats of someone just starting out, if you can find a starting strength certified gym or any power lifting gym, you can schedule some 1 on 1 coaching to get the form dialed in for you.  That's going to be the quickest way to stay out of the hurt locker.

 

I'm 6'1", and started my journey at 308 lbs.  I've had some ups and downs, but as of this morning I'm at 267 lbs.  That's progress.  I still have a ways to go, particularly since my frame can support 230-255 lbs and look pretty lean.  Some days are better than others, and November-December are the hardest months to stay on a diet (ironically October seems to be when I start).  I can say that the more you worry about it the harder it is to lose weight.  I can also say getting a coach that can do both the nutrition and the training aspects are well worth the investment.  They do all the hard work, and all you have to do is what they say.  You get results, they get money.  It's a fair trade.

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... I'm trying to restrict carbs...

 

This might be your problem.  Carbs, indirectly, help to regulate serotonin levels.  As you probably know, serotonin is pretty damn important for mood and sleep regulation.  If you switch from a high carb diet (eg, Chinese buffet and ice cream forever) to comparatively low carb, your body is going to freak out.  Especially if you're not used to functioning on a lower carb intake.

 

Some people do well on low carbs.  Some don't.  There's no rule out there that says you have to do low carb diets to lose weight/fat.  As long as you keep your protein at the proper levels and get some fats in, you can eat whatever in the hell you want to fit your calorie budget.  To an extent, of course.  

The problem with following external diet advice verbatim is that these people are NOT you.  They don't have your exact physiology or psychology.  So take the guidelines, and tweak them.

 

As for the mental aspects of this whole mess... I feel you, bro.  If you want to talk or just vent, PM me.  I don't want to get into things here, but let's just say that I understand.

  • Upvote 2

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Erm. Uh. Well, this is embarrassing. Just... want to apologize for going off the deep end. Sleep deprivation really screws with your head. I'm reading your replies and thank you, though I'm a bit too red-faced to say anything at the moment, eheh...

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MathiahM   

No need to feel embarrassed, it's better that you voice how you're feeling, whether or not it's spurred on by a lack of sleep. The worst thing anybody can do when they're in the deep end is to try swimming alone. Hopefully you've gotten some sleep and are feeling better.

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Art   

No need to feel embarrassed, it's better that you voice how you're feeling, whether or not it's spurred on by a lack of sleep. The worst thing anybody can do when they're in the deep end is to try swimming alone. Hopefully you've gotten some sleep and are feeling better.

+100000

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MarkG   

+100000

+1

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MillyP   

I understand the frustration, but I do agree with many before that this is something that should be consulted with a medical professional.

Also the sleeping issue, it gets to a point when it is more psychological than physical. Personally, I use 2-3 drops on lavender essential oil massaged on the back of my neck every night before going to sleep. I have never slept better than this :)

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